Social Media + Mental Health

It’s 3:17 in the morning and I’ve been thinking about writing this post all night. If I’m being completely honest — this topic is one I’ve wanted to write about for the two years I’ve been writing What Nicole Wore but always shrank away from. What does mental health have to do with fashion? Not a whole lot friends, not a whole lot.

Lately though opening up about my personal struggle with anxiety and depression has weighed heavier on my heart than usual. I hope that someone reading this will be able to relate and take solace in knowing they’re not alone; I also feel like I’ve reached a point where I can’t continue to ignore the elephant in the room. So let’s start at the beginning shall we?

I’ve always hated change. I’ve always cared far too much about what other people think. I’ve always gotten too worked up about things. Up until four years ago, I didn’t think much of it. It was just part of my personality and who I was. When I was first diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, I felt crushed. To me it felt like a big red label slapped across my forehead that said, ‘this girl is psycho.’ I remember my mom holding my hand in the car after we left the therapist’s office and listening to me sob before she said, “Nicole this is just the first step. This means things can be better.”

I think the most important thing I took away from that initial diagnosis is how closely intertwined anxiety and depression are. Pretty quickly we established that I suffer from chronic anxiety. That’s to say that while I can learn techniques for coping in therapy and take medication to help manage my mind, my anxious tendencies aren’t going anywhere. My parents used to always joke about the time I begged them to sign me up for tennis lessons. On the first day, I cried and cried and begged them not to make me go; I was terrified that everyone would already know how to play and I would look stupid. Incidents like that were all over my childhood — to the point that my parents actually stopped signing me up for stuff, knowing that I’d freak out at the last minute.

I can very honestly say that the past four years (which have coincided with the launching of What Nicole Wore) have been my best but that’s not to say I’m “cured.” My largest reason for writing this post now is that I’ve been struggling more the past few months than I have since that initial diagnosis. Admitting that has been very hard but I want to hold myself accountable and take charge as best as I can.

For me, anxiety can take on so many different forms and can be triggered by a number of different things. Some days it’s bearable and I can kick start myself. On the bad days, I don’t get out of bed. I’m not hungry so I skip meals. If I manage to get dressed, I pull on my ratty $7 sweats from Walmart {the pair with the hole in the butt that I keep telling my Mom I’ll throw away} and one of my many XXL tees. I don’t wash my face, I don’t shower (I know y’all), I avoid texts/emails and I take my medicine with the hope that the next day will be better.

Over the past couple months, it’s seemed like I’ve had more of the bad days than usual. Functioning has been hard. More often than not, I don’t get dressed or put makeup on. I’ve had these funks before but this one has been tougher to wade through. For a long time the unspoken purpose of my Instagram account was making sure that I got dressed everyday.

And the ‘anxiety in your every day life’ pop ups have been coming in hot lately, let me tell you.

The paranoia. ‘Everyone’s talking about me behind my back.’ ‘I bet the people that follow you all just do it so they can laugh at you.’ ‘Everyone thinks I’m stupid.’

The self doubt. ‘Why would you try to date?’ ‘Things would be better if I weren’t at XYZ function.’ ‘Why would anyone actually like you?’ ‘You should quit school/advising/blogging because you’re just not good enough.’

But for me the toughest struggle lately has been the lack of drive and constant burnout. Yep, here’s where the tie in is. Staying on top of blogging has been really tough for me. While part of it has been real life, I know that a large part of it has been feeling worn down. The comparison game is an ugly one to play but one that I admittedly regularly partake in.

Despite the fact that I know social media is a highlight reel {hello – I’m doing a horrible job of functioning lately but my Instagram feed is fire!}, I still get caught in the ‘why is my life so shitty compared to everyone else’s’ trap. Today’s norms of so much online interaction can be both a blessing and a curse for those of us suffering with anxiety. I’m incredibly introverted so being able to interact, befriend and engage with others in an online setting is awesome. On the opposite side of the coin, it’s easy to misread others words, invoke meaning that isn’t there, worry that a joke didn’t come across and to feel less worthy.

During this lowlight couple of months, I’ve noticed the burnout catching up with me about once a week. I’ll consistently post my 1-2 photos every day and then boom, I’ll be so down on myself & convinced that everyone else’s life is SO great that I have to take a day off. Is it the end of the world? Absolutely not. If not posting a photo on Instagram for a day is my largest problem in life, I’m pretty blessed. Unfortunately, it’s a little deeper than that.

Anxiety is more than just mental. I mentioned the not getting out of bed but there are days when I’m run down to the point of tears. I don’t sleep well. I sleep too much. I can’t sleep because my mind is constantly racing. I get stressed to the point of stomach pain, I get so nervous that I throw up. My period’s irregular. I’m losing weight. I’m stress eating so I’m gaining weight. My blood pressure can skyrocket at times because I’m in fight or flight mode over something as simple as driving somewhere new or going to the doctor. I chew off the sides of my fingers because I’m stressed. {That last one is pretty weird so let’s pretend it doesn’t happen.}

I mentioned in the beginning of this post that this is a subject I’ve wanted to honestly write about for a long time now. It isn’t to gain sympathy or attention but because I think these things get swept under the rug so much. With social media being as big as it is, people feel more excluded.

As much as I enjoy a pretty aesthetic, I want people to understand that I’m a real person with real issues. I’m not perfect. I have lots of flaws. I’m also working on myself. As miserable as I may be some days, I understand that I have a purpose {even if I don’t know it yet} and that I’m supposed to be here. While promising to get better seems like a reach, I do want to say thank you for the grace you show me and that I’m working hard so that I can be consistent in this space.

I also want to share that this time four years ago a doctor was able to almost immediately determine that I had an anxiety disorder. If you’re struggling and some of what I wrote about seems familiar, please look to a professional. I am much better off than I was prior to getting help and want that for everyone struggling with mental health issues.